ARGH!!!!!!! Tomorrow is Liam's first birthday party and my anxiety level is growing. I feel like a teapot ready to burst. I don't know why I put myself in these situations. I would be perfectly happy with a small cake and just our happy little family... But nooooo. The mommy in me says, "awww it's his first birthday! He should have a great big party!" Damn you mommy! Knowing myself and how I get myself so worked up over big events I must have been on some pretty good meds that day when I decided to plan this shindig. Of course thinking about it and envisioning it was so peachy and proper and soooo what I wanted. Tonight, the night before, I am up and unable to sleep. Everything has been put in bags according to what is it and it's purpose. For example, all snacks and bowls in one bag, all plates in another, decorations in another and party favors in yet another. One would think that this would be o.k. and I would be able to enthusiastically put the bags in my car and not have a worry in the world. NOPE!!!! I will check and recheck these bags a thousand times before I leave tomorrow. AND while driving over to the hall, I will be thinking, "Did I forget something?" Once at the hall and bags unpacked and food set up, a whole new feeling of anxiety will hit. My mind will be racing, my heart will be beating.... No lie this is what anxiety has done to my life. It has taken over and has grabbed such a hold on me. While at the party and as people arrive I will have "mini" panic attacks greeting everyone, making sure everyone is happy, making sure everyone is fed, etc..... I know everyone will be fine and they don't need me to entertain them every second, however, in my mind i need everyone to be happy and have a great time. So sick of my mind racing 24/7 all these anxious thoughts racing. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to be having this party for Liam and so, so happy everyone who is attending is attending, I am just wishing for 4:00 to come pretty quick tomorrow. My mind is tired!
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