Tuesday, March 16, 2010

All of a Sudden and out of Nowhere

I've driven by the entrance many times with out even a thought. As I drove up the driveway to the entrance, tears began to flow. Why? This wasn't your last resting place, nor the last hospital you were in. Maybe it had something to do with the gloomy weather and it reminded me of the day I visited you here, it was also raining that day. As I parked the car, the tears flowed like a gushing waterfall. What was happening to me? All the bad memories flooded my mind. I could no longer control my thoughts. I sat in the parking lot crying, paralyzed with emotion. All I could think about was you and how you were taken from us way to soon. Eventually, I composed myself enough to go inside. As I passed through the entrance doorway, my emotions took control again. I held back the tears with all of my mite and tried as hard as I could to get in and get out. As I sat in the lobby waiting for a representative to come and get me, I glanced over and saw the chapel. I wrestled with the idea of going inside. I didn't go inside. I was angry with God! I am still Angry with God. Why did you give her this horrible disease and why did you take her from us? We were not ready to say goodbye. Of course in the end we were o.k. with letting her go because we knew she was in pain and she was ready to go Home. She needed to be with God where she could no longer feel pain and she could finally have peace.
I got called for my appointment and tried so hard to hold back the tears because I knew if this woman asked me if I was o.k. the dam was going to break and the tears would come rushing like flood waters. I managed to compose myself and got through my appointment. As I was leaving I glanced over at the chapel and again thought about going inside. I paused. And eventually walked out the exit.