Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Why do I have to Endure this?

My Heart racing, my palms sweaty, my chest feels like it's about to come out of my chest.  No, I'm not about to perform some Evil Kinevil type stunt, I'm about to leave the house.  This happens to me when I prepare to go to the grocery store, when I'm about to encounter a new social situation or if Eric and I have a party, wedding, just about anything to go to.  It all starts with the thought about going.  That thought turns into an obsession which rules my days.  For example, let's say Eric and I have a party to go to on a Saturday - well, as soon as we get that invite, my mind is already racing - I can't go, I'll let Eric go, I can't let Eric down, what do I wear UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!STOP IT.  The racing of my mind I cannot stop and my panic attack comes to fruition on the day of whatever event.   In terms of going to the grocery store, it could take me an entire week before I am able to go to the store.  It starts when the ads come on Thursday.  I circle what we need and put the list away.  The following week, usually on Mondays, I make my list and finally either Wednesday or Thursday I make it out to the store.

I have been diagnosed with GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  My Dr. also told me I have a bit of agoraphobia.  A bit?  How can you have a "bit"  I don't know, to me, you wither have something or you don't. That;s is like telling someone they have a bit of cancer - not possible!!  This disorder has been plaguing me for so long, I just want to be normal!!!  I am not quite sure when this all started, it had to be after Hight school because I had no problem being in crowds and being around people.  Hell, I would like to have considered myself a social butterfly.  But somewhere along the way, this butterfly has lost her wings and has been wounded,  crawling around with her head held low, trying to get through this thing called life.   Nobody understands that I can't just "shake" this off, it's not being immature or stupid.  This is real!  Nobody knows what it feels like to think everyone is starring at you, criticizing you, talking about you - eventually all of those thoughts get at you, tear through you like a knife, you turn your head - people, you turn around - more people... People talking, people laughing.. I want these thoughts to stop but they won't, not until I break down mentally.. WELCOME PANIC ATTACK - I'VE MISSED YOU!!!!NOT..... I am on medication to help me deal with the panic attacks, but it doesn;t work.  To be honestly they don't have a pill to cure what is causing all of this MY SELF ESTEEM  :(