Thursday, September 16, 2010

My Hell

    Your back.. Have you ever really left?. I thought for a few times I was rid of you.  I felt calm, at ease,  and even a bit peaceful.  But no, you have come back with a vengeance.  More powerful and debilitating than before.  What have a done to deserve you? Do others feel the same way as I? I feel like a freak? After all, who can't venture outside the walls of their own house with out feeling attacked! mauled! gasping for air.  The fresh air should be great for me.  however, it only cripples me.  Stopping me in my tracks.  Feeling as if my last breath will be my final breath.  I try and calm myself with breathing exercises and this only makes my heart beat faster and the tingling in my legs has creeped up to my fingers.  Am I going to pass out? What if I pass out, what about my kids? what about the baby? what if I am alone with the baby and I pass out?  Damn you anxiety! You have taken a hold of my life once again.  I am a prisoner in my own home.  Held captive by my fears. You are preventing me from seeing people, making new friends, enjoying a day out shopping.  You have prevented my sons from having friends because I am too afraid to strike up a conversation with their parents. Anxiety you have taken a hold of me and I need to break free! I need to free myself from you ugliness! I need to rid myself of the fears you give me and I need to live my life! If not for the sack of me, but for the sake of my children and the people that I love.